I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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