the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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