My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
