I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
