i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
