Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
