i wish there were pregnant emoticons
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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