My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
