all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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