Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize