I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
