Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
