I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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