So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
