hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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