I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We had sex on a dog bed..
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