You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
