I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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