I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Michael Bay diarrhea
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
