all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
