I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
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