I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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