Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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