WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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