if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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