i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
