gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
