remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
