I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
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I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
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He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.