You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.