I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
