Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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