I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
