its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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