i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
