you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
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He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?