I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
