I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
