Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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