you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
