Screwed.edu
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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