I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.