No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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