cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
