If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
