Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I wish there were birth control emojis
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
