i think my tv is drunk
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
