he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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