Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
