what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
