im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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