Ambien. No doubt about it.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize