You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
