I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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