the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Sorry about my life...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.