like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
