My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
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Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
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You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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