I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
